Author Archives: johnthecatfish

Portland, Naked City

I inadvertently bore witness to the World Naked Bike Ride yesterday. For those unfamiliar, it’s exactly what it sounds like–once a year, exhibitionists and jaybirds from across the city gather, strip down, and ride their bikes through the streets of Portland. And I had the worst possible introduction to it: Driving back from visiting my […]

If I Laugh…

“Do you know him?” She asks. “Well, I can’t remember his name, but yes, I’ve certainly seen him in things,” I reply. “No, no. Do you know him?” She points at the cover of The Mentalist: Season One. The ball drops. She’s one of them–the others, the forgotten, the lost, who dwell so deeply within […]

“NOW SEE HERE: Tirades” – Vol. 1

It’s been a rough week and my inner sociopath is crying for arbitrary blood. So I’m taking you to task, things that…I’m taking to task. Nevermind that linguistic hiccup–this is “NOW SEE HERE!” NOW SEE HERE… STARBUCKS HIPSTERS I get that they aren’t paying you to care what I think, so much as paying you […]

I Drive A Prius!

Words Spoken: “Uh, my name is ‘Chod,’ Not ‘Chad.’ And I drive a Prius, And in case you didn’t know, I cruise, Gettin’ fifty to the gallon, yo. Which means that I’m green Like the money I save. So go drive your gas guzzlers And be Halliburton’s slaves; MEANWHILE, With zero contrition, I will rub […]

Hollywood Syndrome

Out of some misguided sense of loyalty, or more likely because I’m a lazy and stupid person by nature, I often look for mid-shift victuals at my store’s deli, which boasts a variety of impressively mediocre lunch fixings–among them, wraps of the buffalo/ranch chicken and cranberry-turkey persuasions that are uncharacteristically satisfying. And I love a […]

It Grows Better.

I’ve realized that I maybe haven’t been as supportive of a certain group of people as I probably should–so this is me making amends and offering my support. Sort of. In any event, it’s only 2.5 minutes long, and I think if you watch through it to the end, you won’t get there feeling like […]

The Things I Should Have Said

For all the times I could have climbed In status, romance, life, I reminisce On windows missed– It’s no small source of strife.And yet, my attitude does not Reflect such deep disdain at this, But rather does it then become The greatest source of my own bliss:The things I should have said take on New […]

Brainal Sex

The first of many (mostly idiotic) character-based spoken word pieces to follow. Words spoken: “Look, I don’t give a damn what kinda random things you’ve heard, When I speak, I make your neurons fire by the thousands At the sound of every word! ‘Cuz when I philosophize, I electrify In e-sexifyin’ ways. So girl, Give […]

Sonnet No. 6

Shall I compare thee to a Shakespeare play? Thou art more funny, less long-winded too. With nothing much about to do, I say, Of all, what measure could encompass you? For as you like of Rome and jewels to sing, Let me, your Antony, my love detail: For Cleopatra will I kingdoms bring Or at […]

Sake Bombed

Our relationship was…untraditional at first. Through mutual friends, we had been introduced at a concert one night and before long, over talks of Faulkner’s total inability to end his sentences in a timely fashion, we wandered back to my place to get intimate. I still have yet to consult the Guinness Book on this, but […]