Category General Buffoonery

Portland, Naked City

I inadvertently bore witness to the World Naked Bike Ride yesterday. For those unfamiliar, it’s exactly what it sounds like–once a year, exhibitionists and jaybirds from across the city gather, strip down, and ride their bikes through the streets of Portland. And I had the worst possible introduction to it: Driving back from visiting my […]

“NOW SEE HERE: Tirades” – Vol. 1

It’s been a rough week and my inner sociopath is crying for arbitrary blood. So I’m taking you to task, things that…I’m taking to task. Nevermind that linguistic hiccup–this is “NOW SEE HERE!” NOW SEE HERE… STARBUCKS HIPSTERS I get that they aren’t paying you to care what I think, so much as paying you […]

I Drive A Prius!

Words Spoken: “Uh, my name is ‘Chod,’ Not ‘Chad.’ And I drive a Prius, And in case you didn’t know, I cruise, Gettin’ fifty to the gallon, yo. Which means that I’m green Like the money I save. So go drive your gas guzzlers And be Halliburton’s slaves; MEANWHILE, With zero contrition, I will rub […]

Hollywood Syndrome

Out of some misguided sense of loyalty, or more likely because I’m a lazy and stupid person by nature, I often look for mid-shift victuals at my store’s deli, which boasts a variety of impressively mediocre lunch fixings–among them, wraps of the buffalo/ranch chicken and cranberry-turkey persuasions that are uncharacteristically satisfying. And I love a […]

It Grows Better.

I’ve realized that I maybe haven’t been as supportive of a certain group of people as I probably should–so this is me making amends and offering my support. Sort of. In any event, it’s only 2.5 minutes long, and I think if you watch through it to the end, you won’t get there feeling like […]

Brainal Sex

The first of many (mostly idiotic) character-based spoken word pieces to follow. Words spoken: “Look, I don’t give a damn what kinda random things you’ve heard, When I speak, I make your neurons fire by the thousands At the sound of every word! ‘Cuz when I philosophize, I electrify In e-sexifyin’ ways. So girl, Give […]

5 Labels I DEMAND You Never Give Yourself

Let’s skip the part where you’re outraged over the fact that I’m making a list: “This guy–what a sellout! I’m outraged.” “Go ‘write’ for BuzzFeed, you hack!” Yeah, I get it. Alright? I get it. But here’s the thing: The thing (like I said): I also don’t care. Listen, we all go through life looking […]

The Hipster Paradox: A Confession (of sorts)

I have a confession to make. It is a shameful one, and I take no pride or solace in relating it: I used to wear a fedora. That is reprehensible, yes, and in combination with the fact that I purchased it not at a vintage clothing store or from some traveling one-eyed transient with stories […]